Our first journey began at 10:15.. Well, 10:30am because Mira was late and Joanna was in pyjamas. Joanna was nervously awaiting Mira’s arrival because they were about to embark on their first quest to make themselves uncomfortable.
QUEST 1: LOOK LIKE SHIT……. Well, more than usual.
As people who take a modest amount of pride in our appearances, the logical conclusion was to start with a contest to see who could make the other look worse. We had to pick out an outfit that the other would NEVER wear and make them wear it for a full day.
- We only had an hour and a half to find the perfect outfit for each other
- Each got 1 veto, but had to have a really good reason, like fear of our mothers
- Had to be found in Chinook Mall
- The outfit had to be stupid, but not so stupid that it was obvious what we had done
- We had to pretend that we liked the outfit, and chose it ourselves
- We couldn’t take it off at any point once purchased
We first decided to go to Urban Outfitters – store of choice for millennials who want to be grandmothers, and drug addled music festival attendees. We wanted to ease ourselves into it without jumping in somewhere like Spencers (is that still real?), but at a store that still had the weirdest clothes. Turns out we should have trusted our instincts because we found the real winners there, but still spent an extra hour trying on hideous outfits at a million other stores.
But on we marched through the mall, convinced that there were uglier and more horrible things awaiting us.
There were. But none of them were as correct.
Oddly enough, we didn’t find anything to try on in this store. I guess 14 year olds are developing a better sense of style these days. Joanna did, however, buy 3 super cute scarves.
Pants, or a skirt? Who knows?
Looks aside, those were the comfiest pants we have ever worn. There was a lady next to us trying them on, for real, as we were commenting how we would never be caught dead in these in public.
We applaud her bravery and judge her choices.
Aptly named Urban Planet because the clothes are out of this wooooooooooorld..
Hot Topic was unsuccessful because everything was so nerdy, and we’re such nerds, so no one would question what we were wearing. Or they would have thought we were doing a practice run of a comic con outfit.
TopShop – all of the clothes make you feel lumpy, in all the wrong ways
“Mira, come see my mustard”
By now our brains were trained to only see the bad items and to weed out the good. We had a finely tuned sense for hideous clothing. It was like a superpower that no one would ever want, and we feared it had changed us forever.
We knew in our hearts that we had stumbled upon pure glory at Urban Outfitters, and nothing else compared; however, the clothes were really expensive, and we had originally required that we buy the outfit for each other. It was a mistake.
Then the idea struck! We could just return them. Off we ran back to Urban as our hour and a half was coming to an end. As the clock struck 12:00 (pm), our little Cinderella selves lost our shit instead of our shoes, and turned into something much worse than a pumpkin.
The Denim Bag Princess & Care Bears on LSD
We hated it.
We were worried about the return policy, but Joanna is a ninja and sneakily checked it for us with no one noticing:
Buying the items was embarrassing enough, but not nearly as embarrassing as setting off the store alarm when leaving. We had just been talking about this the other day – how when the alarms go off we immediately feel guilty, and like we are going to jail even though we have done nothing wrong. In this case our only crime was our fashion choices, but Mira’s hands still went straight up in the air like the police had a gun on her.
Usually store employees don’t really jump up to check bags when this happens, but at Urban Outfitters they sure do! We actually had to empty our bags, and we thought the worst of it was over until they discovered one of the tags hadn’t been pulled off Mira’s sack, and instead of being a human about it, she awkwardly mumbled, “Oh.. how did that get in there?” like the guiltiest person in the world.
It then took a whole moment to stuff it back into the bag because there was so much fabric. This was not the first time that the amount of fabric involved in this sack would cause Mira problems.
But the first part of our quest was complete, and we transformed into the ugly and sad people you see below in the mall bathrooms. Even small children were judging our questionable choices. Two minutes in, and we were both nearly on the edge of a panic attack and/or a nap.
Well, it’s natural that as our paths would separate that we would both be seeing the most important fashion critic in our lives – our moms.
Joanna’s Mom: Oh look at you! I love this. Look at you, you beautiful girl! What a happy thing!
Joanna: Oh, thanks mom! Yeah.. It’s kind of fun I thought.
Joanna’s Mom: Oh I just love it!
…… She paused, and squinted at Joanna.
Joanna’s Mom: This has something to do with something that you’re doing. Doesn’t it?
She’s so perceptive.
Her brother said “nice shirt” and she thinks it was genuine. Her dad didn’t notice.
Mira’s selection totally backfired, except that Joanna felt horribly uncomfortable all day anyway because she would never wear something like this, and Mira watching her struggle was satisfaction enough.
Mira’s mom on the other hand was not so… supportive.
Mira’s Mom: What kind of an outfit is that?!?!
Mira: Don’t you like it?
Mira’s Mom: NO.
She lifts it up. Examines the fabric.
Mira’s Mom: It’s horrible!
Mira: This is the style now, Mom.
Mira’s Mom: Is this your way of telling me you’re pregnant? By wearing maternity clothes?
Mira: Mom, you’re so out of touch.
Mira’s Mom: Why did you buy an extra large?
Mira: This is a small. This is how it’s supposed to fit.
Mira’s Mom: THAT’S a small?!?! Then I could buy clothes there…
She proceeded to take a picture of it and send it to Mira’s sister in order to get her support to truck Mira off to the loony bin. Her dad was outside and her mother demanded that her father come inside and look at the dress.
Mira’s Dad: What’s wrong with it? I love it. It’s like… retro. In the 70’s, all dresses were like that.
Coming from a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt, green cargo shorts and crocs – this didn’t mean much to Mira.
Back Together – Bridesmaids:
We had planned this on the perfect day – bridesmaid dress fitting (because Joanna is getting MARRRRRIIIIIIIEEEED). Mira was running late because that was her life that day, and then also got held up by the longest train in existence and had to go the long way around. This all resulted in her showing up half an hour late in what felt like a paper bag. The other bridesmaids didn’t say anything about either outfit because they are nice people, but Joanna felt it was her duty to keep Mira aware of the state she was in:
Joanna text: YOU LOOK DISGUSTING
Mira was aware.
Because Mira was so grotesquely late, all of the other bridesmaids had already been measured so it was her turn. She saw the measurements lady look her up and down and think, “This is going to be a problem.” Mira suddenly realized that this was the worst possible garment to be getting measured in, as if they went off the size of the sack, they’d probably measure her dress size as a size 40.
The poor lady struggled to get the measuring tape around the grotesquely large circumference of the dress. “There’s just so much fabric,” she said, as Mira saw a giggle escape from the other lady who worked in the shop. After Mira was scolded for wearing such a thing to a dress fitting, the lady took her in the back where Mira had to embarrassingly lift up the sack so the lady could measure underneath. This is exactly what neither of them wanted, but the only solution to this horrible situation. Mira thought, “Great, not only am I late AND ugly, but also an inconvenience.” It’s everything she tries to avoid in life.
After that fiasco, the ugly dressed girls and the other bridesmaids went out for dinner at a respectable restaurant. Mira couldn’t take it anymore, and with Joanna’s permission, broke down and told them about their weird little social experiment.
They mostly didn’t notice Joanna’s shirt, but they were pleasantly surprised that Mira wouldn’t choose that dress of her own volition. Though they are nice enough people that they would’ve just let it be and let Mira be the unique little snowflake she is.
What did we learn?
- No contest is worth screwing up a dress fitting.
- You can wear an ugly piece of clothing and still survive the day.
- People don’t really care that much about what you wear, unless they’re Mira’s mom.
- Don’t be late to anything when you look hideous.
YOU BE THE JUDGE
The denim sack that Mira was forced to wear cost a whopping $88.00, therefore Mira returned it as soon as she could. That, and she couldn’t stare at it a moment longer. The next day, she went back to Urban Outfitters to complete that one last embarrassing task.
Urban Outfitters employee: Can I ask why you are returning this item?
Oh shit. OH SHIT.
Mira: Uuuuuuhhhhh… I bought it for a friend and she didn’t like it?
The classic “teen caught with alcohol” excuse. “I was just holding it for a friend.” Though not entirely a lie, as she DID buy it kind of for Joanna and she truly did NOT like it.
Joanna meant to return the $50.00 cancer camp shirt, but she’s a lazy piece of shit.